My psychical Routine in a day

i wake up everyday with a grave fear that i would squander my day ,the precious one day out of the unforeseeable span of time i may be destined to live,an exquisite day which can be perhaps the prospect of my last existence yet with no ventures to make it efficacious.I find my self seeking for elusive satisfaction which seems to become more remote with my every mousy stride and by the time i jiggle to arouse myself i would have already wasted my valuable one day.

With  all the hope gathered out of my already stifled soul i set myself for the college yearning to bring out something functional out of dead-loss me but that turns out to be another way of misspending my already racing time.what is being taught in the classes neither satisfy my quest nor convince my senses and for obvious reasons i feel i am in wrong place and mislaid.i am craving for ideal opportunity to tranquillise my vexed conscience every moment and wish if someone could place me in a correct jumble as i am in entwined trajectory.

As the night sweeps in ,it brings a hunting reminiscence of having frittered away the precious time before and i  helplessly whimper with the immense disappointment for dissipating yet another proficient day

Almighty with unwavering faith i bow to you,

enfold this fool with  your omniscience,

May  i transform to something USEFUL…

SEARCHING FOR LOST “ME”

The act of attributing my boundless futile and nasty  thoughts as a  part  of girls inherent essence  has now grown to an  invincible habit within me. I am ashamed  to discover that those are just  my  lame excuse and a way of  defending my incompetency to eliminate those wicked  temperaments of mine.i find myself helplessly sinking deeper day by day in my  own vicious  mentality and this eventually provokes  an immense loathing  towards my own self.

i haven't noticed myself transforming to this strange women from an innocent little girl  until my consciousness was invaded by ruinous attitude which is  now almost impossible to get rid off.The girl that once used to be so confident and unwavering has been now transformed to a vulnerable funk  who dances foolishly  on others commentary about her irrespective of it being deceitful or genuine. 

i am so much disappointed to see myself hating  every bits  in  me  and immensely distressed by the way i promptly wear a fraudulent looks to impress others.those legitimate and pure thoughts of mine has been now captured by corrupted thoughts which just cares for useless beauty and charm.The pristine and productive actions of mine which was  once so spontaneous and effortless has now became excruciatingly  strenuous..

Many things has changed in me but those changes are devoid of  virtues..

These are the battles i got to fight alone and i have to anyhow bring out the good out of monstrous me….

Almighty with unwavering faith i bow to you,

enfold this fool with  your omniscience,

guide me forever....

unknown speculation

UNKNOWN FEELING

 An obscured feelings of sadness,anxiety,void,fear..a diversified thought... not so concrete  has got my heart racing for few days..i neither have a precise words to scribble nor a wisdom to organise those hazy thoughts to an explicit  presentation.. i assumed it(anonymous feelings) to be so lame for serious scrutinisation and discarded it but it never stopped troubling my heart..tried sleeping to only make it worse..stood up..walked here and there..laughed..chatted but my heart beat still echoed louder and faster than those.i got deep into my mind and ransacked all my thoughts to search the reasons but i found none..most cherished sissy out of immense love propounded it to be worries for delaying my return to college and i took no time to agree as i was yearning for the reasons for those slayer thoughts. seeking for the reasons and comprehension was the only means to unravel those smothering thought.Got back to college and was so delighted to have got no scoldings and more gratified with an expectation  to fathom those jumbled  grueling thoughts.got back to hostel in the evening only to be astonished seeing  my drenched eyes which added yet another disappointment to my already drowning mind...next attempt to abate my wild thoughts was by intriguing myself with cheerful fun talks with my mates and joyful anas but that calmness of my mind was so transient and faded off the moment i was left alone..got a call from most caring sissy after sharing the mysterious disturbing thoughts to her, which ignited another round of  waterworks from my feeble eyes..sobbed like  hell and was trying hard to catch my breath..thought am gonna go crazy..'does those feelings awaits catastrophes?"hung up the phone and obviously i was far released after talking to her..

i tagged those strange feelings as homesickness but those feelings  commenced even when i am enclosed by warm hearts of my beloved family...reasons are still a mystery and my misery endless..Every living creature desires a perfect environment despite its futility and am one  among them..now i have a hint that it appeared from the ground of my negativities,weakness,fragility and forbidding thoughts nevertheless i know its gonna takes ages to resolve..have to restrict my thought as it breeds boundless ambiguous thoughts and leaves me whimpering and wondering.. 

Those are the the frequent battles of  my life and  still today the victory  is dubious

i will keep fighting with   better weapons

Almighty with unwavering faith i bow to you,
enfold this fool with  your omniscience,
guide me forever....