NEW ME

At this phase of my life, I find myself both lost and accomplished. Lost, because the woman I once was—the career-driven dreamer, eager to leap, chase growth, and carve out her own path—feels like a distant memory. Accomplished, because I have stepped into a role I never fully understood until now: I am a mother.

Motherhood has a way of rearranging everything. My priorities, my thoughts, even the rhythm of my days have been rewritten. Maybe it’s the weight of responsibility, or simply the hours spent with my little one, but I feel like every part of me is tethered to her. From the moment I wake to the moment I finally drift off, she is present, not just in my arms, but in my every thought. Even in dreams, I see her face. I want to be alive, breathing, strong—not just for myself anymore, but for her.

And I think that’s okay. It feels right, even beautiful, to be so consumed by love. There is a deep sense of purpose in dedicating myself to this tiny human who sees the world through me. I look at her—her laughter, her soft footsteps, the way her eyes search for me as if I am her entire universe—and I feel a kind of fulfillment I never imagined.

Yet, there are moments I crave solitude. Times when I feel so drained, physically and mentally, that I ache for just a few minutes of quiet. Sometimes I cry out of exhaustion, longing for a breath of my old self. But even when I do find a moment alone, my mind drifts back to her, as if she is stitched into every part of me.

I know I am still a new mother, still learning how to balance love and selfhood. I know this stage will change, just as she will change, and I will evolve with her. I may have lost parts of who I was, but I have also gained something immeasurable: a love so deep it reshapes me every day.

Motherhood is not a single moment of transformation; it is a constant becoming. And in this becoming, I am learning that losing my old self doesn’t mean I am lost forever. It means I am growing into someone new—someone who carries both who I was and who I am becoming, all because of her. 

Dear Me

Why do I feel this way? Is there any path to becoming someone entirely different from who I am now? I’m not old enough to carry the weight of endless stories or life lessons, yet somehow I feel as if I’ve lived far beyond my years. Is this what everyone in their late twenties feels, or is it just my mind turning life into a tangle of disappointment and quiet frustration? It’s humiliating to admit, but I’m not happy when I think about the direction I’m heading—and sometimes I wonder if I ever will be.

How do you think I can keep myself motivated?

When you need to have a so called personal connection to get the things done,when you are  too tired and demotivated  to be in the unfair system,when you are compelled to thrive in the system where they treat you like a piece of shit,when you ask nothing extra  but to be treated equally  because you feel what you  do   deserve much better ,when other label you as being ambitious,rebellious,undedicated,ungrateful simply because you wanted what was given to all others. I don't know how the bureaucracy works,I don't have the convincing and impressive communication skills to impress and change the irrevocable attitudes,i don't want to feel privileged simply because the rcsc has created a job for us when many land up having none,i don't want to feel  grateful simply for giving me  a scholarships.Because the job that is not recognized and given importance,the scholarship just to retain us in whatever unfair condition they put us into is dispiriting all the little motivation and inspiration i get from making differences in others lives..when they give you a long speech about contentment ,make you listen to other sad stories,when you just wanted them to  empathetically  listen to your grievances and see what they could do…?when you think about how hard it was to invest 5 years in getting trained in something the system considers useless...You ask us not to complain and compare when you dump us into crazy situations..

Are we  really asking and expecting beyond what we deserve???Do we need to be treated less simply because people who have no idea about what we do  casually thought that's all we deserve?

My Love....

Today is your day🌟🌟🌟

i don't know what to do to make it special,😕 

i want you to know that,

i  and every soul u meet is beholden  to divinity🙏

for your phenomenal existence and being.

we celebrate your wonderful presence in this world🎉

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO my Kiddo…🎂❤️ 🎈🎈🎈

Meeting you was a random happening,😐

yet knowing you more is what i sighed for.😋

funk i was to dote someone’s  soul,😰

But your commitment was a soothing assurance 😌

As i  am now  enticed by your mellow soul,😍

i don't have separate trails from yours.💕

You inspirits  me  with your  funniest chatters,😀

your voice makes me have a sweetest fantasy,😵 👰❤️👱

You make me gleefully smile like a fool 😊

And i helplessly yearn for your warm embrace.💑 

Thank you for being Born,👶

Thank you for making me feel special and beautiful👸

Blessed i am to be yours😇👼 

overjoyed i am that you are mine😂

Oh almighty watch over this bubbly soul,🙏

For he is my gift,unlimited package of cheers,🎁💝

may his path be filled with happiness and prosperity✨✨

for he is one of a kind and merits boundless felicity.

I LOVE YOU…..💖 💖 💖 💖 💖

To  my beloved  parents far away…….

with all your grace  and guileless prayers and solicitude this loving daughter of yours is doing utterly fine infact more than fine…life here is  so carefree..i just have to walk few steps to get to the food,neednt bother washing the plate or cleaning the room,its like living a life of oofiest  yet i can't cast aside the itch for being there,cooking eating,cleaning together chockfull with tenderness and  endearment. 

i loathe myself for not being there when u all need me,loitering around when u all have no time for respite,relishing my life even when i am not even sure if everything is fine at home..luxuriating and roistering without u all neither feels right nor fair.i know you  all won't be happy knowing this part of my feeling but i cant help it  coz i don't have separate trails of  happiness  from you all

i have  come to this far away land, swallowing all the bitter departures and forlornness in the name of studying yet  i am anxious and doubtful that i might be learning wrong or not just enough .i am scared that i may squander  your sacrifices for me ,worried that i may let you all down..

with every departure with unswerving faith i entrust almighty to never separate us for a  long time ..

Almighty with unwavering faith i bow to you,

enfold this fool with  your omniscience,

May  i transform to something USEFUL

My psychical Routine in a day

i wake up everyday with a grave fear that i would squander my day ,the precious one day out of the unforeseeable span of time i may be destined to live,an exquisite day which can be perhaps the prospect of my last existence yet with no ventures to make it efficacious.I find my self seeking for elusive satisfaction which seems to become more remote with my every mousy stride and by the time i jiggle to arouse myself i would have already wasted my valuable one day.

With  all the hope gathered out of my already stifled soul i set myself for the college yearning to bring out something functional out of dead-loss me but that turns out to be another way of misspending my already racing time.what is being taught in the classes neither satisfy my quest nor convince my senses and for obvious reasons i feel i am in wrong place and mislaid.i am craving for ideal opportunity to tranquillise my vexed conscience every moment and wish if someone could place me in a correct jumble as i am in entwined trajectory.

As the night sweeps in ,it brings a hunting reminiscence of having frittered away the precious time before and i  helplessly whimper with the immense disappointment for dissipating yet another proficient day

Almighty with unwavering faith i bow to you,

enfold this fool with  your omniscience,

May  i transform to something USEFUL…

SEARCHING FOR LOST “ME”

The act of attributing my boundless futile and nasty  thoughts as a  part  of girls inherent essence  has now grown to an  invincible habit within me. I am ashamed  to discover that those are just  my  lame excuse and a way of  defending my incompetency to eliminate those wicked  temperaments of mine.i find myself helplessly sinking deeper day by day in my  own vicious  mentality and this eventually provokes  an immense loathing  towards my own self.

i haven't noticed myself transforming to this strange women from an innocent little girl  until my consciousness was invaded by ruinous attitude which is  now almost impossible to get rid off.The girl that once used to be so confident and unwavering has been now transformed to a vulnerable funk  who dances foolishly  on others commentary about her irrespective of it being deceitful or genuine. 

i am so much disappointed to see myself hating  every bits  in  me  and immensely distressed by the way i promptly wear a fraudulent looks to impress others.those legitimate and pure thoughts of mine has been now captured by corrupted thoughts which just cares for useless beauty and charm.The pristine and productive actions of mine which was  once so spontaneous and effortless has now became excruciatingly  strenuous..

Many things has changed in me but those changes are devoid of  virtues..

These are the battles i got to fight alone and i have to anyhow bring out the good out of monstrous me….

Almighty with unwavering faith i bow to you,

enfold this fool with  your omniscience,

guide me forever....